Why Don’t You Reply To My Message? The Anxiety Of The XXI Century

Why don’t you reply to my message? Why are you leaving me in sight? If you are online, why are you not responding to what I have written to you? This and other questions assail us while the mobile screen remains imperturbable, without vibrating, without showing the whatsapp iconwarning of a notification … Desperation increases and the lack of response devours us, takes away our calm until it becomes our only concern.

If this situation is known to us, we will be suffering what is known as double blue check anxiety. And no, it is not a trivial topic. The amount of time we spend waiting for that virtual feedback is immense; not to mention, the mental and emotional impact.

Hyperconnection, the need for immediacy and instant reinforcement has changed our way of relating for some time. It is as if for many people there was an unsigned pact, the one by which one is obliged to respond immediately to each message, to each photo or comment where they tag us. If we are not quick to emit some type of interaction, doubt and concern arise in the virtual transmitter.

Misunderstandings, arguments, stress, insomnia, poor performance at study or work … The relationship between instant messaging services and anxiety disorders is as significant as it is recurrent.

We know that almost 80% of our young people suffer from it and that, today, it is one of the most common problems in our daily interactions with others.

Let’s delve into the subject.

Why are you not answering my message? The psychology behind messages text

Why are you not answering my message? It has been several minutes, maybe hours and we still have not received any kind of response. Neither an emoticon nor a smiley face nor the emoji of a thumbs up, so helpful for almost everything. For people with an already impatient character, these types of situations can be exasperating.

In addition, they are especially so if the recipient is someone significant. For example, that person that we are beginning to know, that attracts us and with whom we hope to establish a daily interaction.

Affective relationships are founded by text messages, notifications loaded with double meanings, good morning and good night messages, photos and a whole subtle universe of virtual languages.

It is also the same with our friends. Somehow, we hope that they are swift in their responses and that they do not leave us in the limbo of waiting. At the end of the day, as multiple studies have already revealed, people look at their mobile -on average- about once every fifteen minutes  and expect an almost constant flow of interaction, of notifications to review and messages to send or respond to. .

If that flow is interrupted, if someone important to us does not answer, does not read to us or lets the hours pass without showing interest, an alarm switch is turned on in us.

Texting and dopamine

We initially compared the need to receive a response to a message with the anxiety that an addict may experience. This relationship is not accidental and the key is in our brain reward systems, orchestrated by a very specific neurotransmitter: dopamine.

When we send a very loving message, an audio or a funny and original meme, if there is something we love it is that the other person responds. That interaction where exchanging phrases, laughter and complicity makes us feel very good. It’s like a “high”, one of many that we experience throughout the day with instant messaging and likes .

Thus, that feeling of pleasant pleasure, excitement and well-being is mediated by dopamine. Hence, when this flow of interaction fails and we ask ourselves with anguish , why does he not answer my message? , what we experience is longing and anxiety. We are not getting our “dose” of dopamine and withdrawal syndrome emerges almost without realizing it.

But why don’t you reply to my message?

Double blue check anxiety is increasingly common among the younger population. Studies, such as the one carried out at Kent State University in the United Kingdom by Dr. Andrew Leph, show us that one of the most common causes of anxiety among university students comes precisely from the use of mobile phones.

Not only is there an increased dependence and addiction to these devices. In addition, the quality of relationships is more deficient, academic performance is reduced and even health itself is affected. Moreover, it has been seen that it is the younger population that suffers the most from this need to receive an immediate response to messages.

However … what are the reasons why someone chooses not to answer or lengthen that answer longer than normal?

Causes why they do not respond to us

• The first reason, and perhaps the most obvious, is disinterest. Currently one of our most common communication channels is immediate messaging. Whoever does not respond to us or does not interact with us is simply because they do not want to.
• Another reason may be, obviously, that he is busy. Even more, there are many people who postpone that answer for that moment where they feel more free and comfortable to respond. There are those who, instead of immediacy, value quality.
• Likewise, there is another factor that experts highlight because it occurs more and more frequently. We are talking about who experiences anxiety when sending a message, the reason? Unsafety. There is fear of not expressing things adequately, there is fear of what they may respond to us, of being misunderstood, of seeing the double blue check and regretting having written certain words, having included certain emoticons …

All this causes them to delay your response for hours (or days).

To conclude, relationships in the Internet age are more complex. We can make more connections, meet more people and even have the opportunity to discover in detail what someone is like thanks to a continuous flow of messages back and forth. That this happens makes us feel good, but if this is interrupted or fails, stress and doubts appear.

The key is in balance. That he asks me why that special person does not answer my message is something normal, that I become obsessed with it, to the point of not doing anything else, it is not anymore.

Let’s live, let’s continue with our things, with our occupations and responsibilities while we await the notification. Because if that person really cares about us, they will respond.