I’m Just Me When I’m Alone

Miguel Hernández wrote in one of his most famous sonnets, entitled “For when you see me I have a composition”,  one of his best known phrases: “I am only me when I am alone”. It could not come from another mind, a phrase so simple and fascinating at the same time, than from that of a writer eager to convey the melancholy and beauty of loneliness that intoxicated him.

Simple things, but melancholic, usually replenish the spirit of the most skeptical, who has already tired of everything and everyone. I found in this sentence some of the greatest truths that I have ever read and that I would always experience. I think Miguel Hernández was referring in his sonnet to the feeling of being better with the company of his love and really feeling himself, but something worse, when he was alone.

Be that as it may, leaving readers free to interpret a piece of writing in the way that most comforts them is one of the greatest pleasures for a writer. Even if it is a short sentence and with short words, it outlines an idea with an altitude of view. The intimate, unique and authentic pleasure that many people find in their solitude.

I am alone, I am not alone

Those who enjoy their solitude tend to be generous with the people around them. They know that the company does not imply mandates or demands. Those who enjoy their solitude tend to ask for fewer explanations, but they are also more exquisite with their company. In the same way that they do not ask for what they know they cannot demand, they suggest that others do that personal work so that it is equally reflected in their demands.

I have always preferred being alone to feeling alone surrounded by people. It is said, it is commented and I agree to that idea. It seems to me an extremely unpleasant sensation. I am one of those who thinks that every new day we have a limited battery of energy, if we waste it with someone who does not deserve it, we will end up not being able to start when we really want or need it.

That is why I say that I am alone, not that I am alone. I am alone in many ways, but I am not alone in any of them. I am surrounded by my presence and company, I do not find this feeling reprehensible.

I find it incredible to find even one person among millions with whom to share the reflection that perhaps sometimes my loneliness gives me distorted. I love being around people who do not make me be alone, because with them I am alone, authentic, accompanied, enriched.

I am alone when I am alone, although even in my loneliness I can not stand

Sometimes I wake up in a bad mood or I’m sad, like other mortals. Normally they tell us that we should seek company as the first option before experiencing anger or sadness with ourselves. On many occasions I have followed that opinion of what is recommended, but it has ended up being unsatisfactory.

I believe that no one should feel guilty for wanting to be alone when sad. There are too many sad people paying for their broken dishes with others, for believing better being accompanied, avoiding the “terrible” loneliness.

They don’t care about attacking, yelling, hurting, hitting, insulting or lying. They believe that this is what life and relationships consist of, that it is the “spice” of life. On the other hand, others prefer to be more bland, but more “salaos” in the deal when appropriate.

Do not confuse the feeling of enjoying your loneliness to the fullest with avoiding contact with others. We are neither schizoid, nor paranoid, nor sullen. We have simply assumed what life has always repeated to us, we have gotten the message: we prefer a company that makes us feel even happier, but we don’t need it to be.

We are what many people consider weird, demanding or childish. We continue to react innocently to the contradictions in the world and we don’t like to be the first to do everything that is supposed to be done in this life. We are not going behind, we are observing, for when it comes our turn to do it well, without impositions. Without the need to feel tied down or watched.

I am only me when I am alone, because no one like me understands me, and no one like me enjoys being alone. I do not feel the worst version of myself alone, but sometimes only I understand my sorrows. When in my loneliness I meet someone, I no longer make them carry them. That is the exquisite pleasure of being able to be alone, to be alone and to choose to be alone whenever you want.