How To Take The Blows (in Memory Of Bernabé Tierno)
The psychologist and author Bernabé Tierno passed away in July 2015. He was 75 years old and had been fighting bone cancer and lung metastasis with the fortitude and wisdom that he himself transmitted in his works. From Bernabé Tierno we take with us his more than 60 published books, in addition to all the conferences and courses he has given.
For all that he has contributed to me on a professional and personal level, today I am writing this article in the form of a tribute to one of the most prestigious psychologists in Spain. I remember Mental Karate as one of the books that have influenced me the most and therefore, which I am going to talk about now.
Mental karate and how to take the blows of life
When I read it, I was surprised to realize the ability that human beings have to control our own mind, and consequently, to control our reactions, our emotions. We believe that we are at the mercy of the external: of the partner, of the companions of the institute, of the family, of the boss … and in reality, we are slaves of them because we ourselves decide to be.
Bernabé teaches us in this work the power of emotional intelligence, and especially, that of words to change almost any problematic circumstance. For this, it is inspired by oriental wisdom and philosophy, transmitting that with prudence, peace and patience many more victories are achieved than with force or viscerality and that love and positivism is the engine of change.
It has been scientifically proven that a toxic word, bad news or negative language can produce as much harm as physical aggression, and conversely, positive and tonic words can work like a balm. The problem is that in our society, more and more, we are surrounded by toxic people, stress and pain, caused, mostly, by ourselves. This is why becoming a mental karate fighter is so important.
Being a mental karate fighter consists of learning to be like a rock, so that we are aware that the key is in us so that toxicity affects us or not. It is clear that we cannot control the thoughts and actions of others, but of course we can control ourselves.
The key is to disarm the toxic person, that childish and immature person who wants to project his problems and bitterness onto us. Bernabé teaches us that we have a powerful antidote to act against these impossible people: show them that they have no power over us, that they will not control our feelings or our lives.
If, for example, my coworker wants to touch my nose every day and I show him that he has the power to do so because I get angry, sad, or unnerved because of his behavior towards me, what I am doing is reinforcing that act the same way with me again, because I’m giving him what he wants: bitter and toxic people need others to be bad too.
Learn to be emotionally intelligent
Bernabé emphasizes emotional management as the key to personal growth. From calm, calm and peace, almost everything is achieved and it is from stress and impulsivity that projects, relationships with others and our own mental health are broken. Let’s stop boycotting ourselves.
It is, therefore, very important to learn to be emotionally intelligent, to abandon the primal and visceral ways that do not solve anything, if not that cause even more problems, and replace them with empathy, understanding and sweetness. With practice, nothing and no one will have the power to upset you or make you go into a rage. You will be master of yourself, without depending on the thoughts or words of the adversary.
The concept that we must be very clear about is “I win-you win.” It is not about engaging in imaginary competitions, nor about beating anyone. It consists of accepting the other as a valid person who has his own convictions and beliefs and that, although we do not share them, we can understand and negotiate.
If we are sure of ourselves, we will know how to recognize when the other is right, we will know how to accept that we make mistakes and that this is not a problem because it is the path to learning and we will know how to approach each problem calmly and calmly, without ever losing control. Surprisingly, with this attitude, we will gain more love, empathy and understanding from others.
Conformity? Nothing of this. A good mental karate fighter is very clear about what he wants and desires, he is firm in his convictions but he also knows how to put himself in the place of the other and is soft in his forms. Practice the “law of the opposite”, that is, in the face of the fury and anger of the other, apply the opposite: a serene face, correct manners and a firm look. Our inner peace is so important that we cannot lose it because of someone else’s reactions, we cannot allow it!
If you want to be a good mental karate fighter and not be tormented by the bravado and childish reactions of others, I recommend that you read this book and practice the ideas that are exposed in it. Perhaps with this philosophy it will begin to change your life as it did in its day.
Rest in peace, master.
Main image: Bernabé Tierno.
