Betrayal, An Oversized Wound

For a good part of the people, betrayal is an unforgivable act, which causes a great wound and usually leaves deep marks. So much so, that the subject has become almost a taboo. After a betrayal there is nothing to talk about, because everything has already been said. Apparently, nothing justifies it and nothing repairs it.

However, that radicalism sometimes does not allow us to see certain nuances that are important. For example, that there are times when we qualify as treason something that really is not. Or that we could come to judge with excessive harshness some inconsistencies of others, which in reality do not generate so much damage, beyond feeling that they disappointed some of our expectations.

It takes coolness and maturity to give betrayal its true place. It is obvious that it is not pleasant for anyone to experience bewilderment because we expected someone to act in a way and they did not. That disappointment that is generated many times has more to do with ourselves than with the way of acting of the other person.

What is treason?

We speak of treason when someone breaks his word , or is not faithful to a previously agreed pact. Etymologically, the word “traitor” comes from the Latin traditor or traditoris , which means ‘the one who delivers someone to the other side’. As you can see, it is a word that comes from the military tradition. And, strictly speaking, it would be something like surrendering the enemy.

In everyday life, we speak of betrayal when someone who is apparently on our side, suddenly says something or acts in such a way that it turns against us. We thought he was on our side, and suddenly it turns out that he is not.

Now, that “being on our side” is sometimes very ambiguous , as is “being against us”. Being on our side can mean a thousand things, from being an accessory to our mistakes to respecting our integrity. In the same way, being against us is something that can range from denouncing our faults to trying to destroy us, to not meeting our expectations.

Pacts and betrayal

When there is a friendly or loving bond, it is very common that the eastern limits are blurred. Both assume that there are some covenants  or commitments, but they rarely make them explicit. Basically it is considered that, if the nexus is positive, then there will be no place to get hurt.

But as we pointed out before, the issue of what hurts is sometimes very subjective. The most typical case is that of the famous “love betrayal”. The question in that circumstance is: does the loving pact suppose to maintain the feeling regardless of any circumstance? Perhaps that is the intention, but it must be seen that it is a very difficult goal to achieve.

It is because feelings have their cycles. Sometimes they manage to settle and transform positively. Other times, they just fade or turn into something negative. In this area there are no certainties, no matter how much it is assured that there is. It is possible that in honor of a commitment the bond is maintained, but this does not mean that the feelings have not changed.

So someone can feel let down and betrayed when their partner’s feelings change. The question that arises there is whether the problem lies with who, eventually, experiences a feeling differently, and acts accordingly, or who hopes that this never happens.

Facts and circumstances

Many people say that they are able to understand any change in their partner’s feelings, as long as he is sincere and exposes them in time. Reality shows us that this rarely happens. If one of the two is in love and the other stops loving, it is very difficult for someone who continues to love to assimilate this asymmetry. Much more when there is already attraction for a third party.

That is why it is not uncommon for what is happening to be hidden. The real intention is not to deceive, but to avoid the feeling of guilt for the harm that is caused to the other or the storm that this can unleash. Of course, there are also cynics or manipulators who enjoy playing with the feelings of others, but in reality they are a minority.

The truth is that it could do us a lot of good to relax a little on the issue of betrayal, or what we lightly call betrayal. In this case, the circumstances are often more important than the facts themselves. It is possible that behind what we call treason there is only one other that does not always coincide with what we hope or desire.